i stopped believing in you, when you stopped receiving my voice mails. no. not the ones on your phone. but the ones in your heart. even now I never stopped sending them. even now I never expected a reply.

i ran out of ideas on what to write. but you put me out of that misery. only that misery though. you did so much for me. you inspired me. you hurt me. you taught me how to write again.
cautiously pouring out the words from your throat and onto these pages. these empty wet pages. cause my pen ran out of ink.

i'm still under these sheets and i'm still dreaming. dreaming of you smoking
in my closet. the same closet filled with hand-me-downs and moth balls.
until we meet again. or if we even ever meet again. i'm gonna keep screaming.
screaming
                    and
                              screaming
                                                  and
                                                             screaming.

until my lungs burst. until I can't scream no more. i'll just keep screaming out
your name.

devouring your heart into the bottom of my stomach. in one whole swallow. it made me feel sick. like there was a giant lump tightening inside my throat. it felt disgusting. it felt like choking. it felt like fear. the words were right there. on the tip of my tongue. but as soon as i went to say them they'd sink into the back of my teeth.

"stop
please stop
lets just go back
i don't want to do this anymore
you're hurting me
please stop
i don't want to fall in love anymore"

shoving my bare hand down my throat. wrapping my fingers around your heart trying to scoop it out . gagging for air as it came pouring out.
heart
     after
         heart
              after
                  heart.
it just kept pouring out like word vomit. into little tea cups. until there was no more. until I was empty. until i was left feeling an aching agony of longing. until i was longing for you.